How can couples reverse the buildup of resentment once they notice it?

09.06.2025 09:07

How can couples reverse the buildup of resentment once they notice it?

By internalizing that responding with kindness is strength, not weakness.

By learning to validate what the other is feeling. “I can absolutely see why you feel this way.”

By deciding to stop with the criticism and the nagging and instead say thank you for everything you do for me. Thank you for loving me.

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By giving up the notion that someone has to “win” or that anyone loses by saying “you are right”, “I am sorry”, or “I can do better.”

By resolving to listen with curiosity rather than defensiveness.

By taking turns talking.

I’m wondering about attachment and transference with the therapist and the idea of escape and fantasy? How much do you think your strong feelings, constant thoughts, desires to be with your therapist are a way to escape from your present life? I wonder if the transference serves another purpose than to show us our wounds and/or past experiences, but is a present coping strategy for managing what we don’t want to face (even if unconsciously) in the present—-current relationships, life circumstances, etc. Can anyone relate to this concept of escape in relation to their therapy relationship? How does this play out for you?

By wanting to truly understand each other, despite feeling unheard.

By keeping in mind it’s OK to have different opinions and different experiences, and they both matter in equal measure.